The Rule of Three

One of the comforting things about having lived here for two years {my 2 year anniversary of being in-country is this Thursday!} is that I feel like I know how to play the game. While I’m looking forward to coming home and many ‘old-familiar’ things, I have to admit that part of me is a bit scared. I know how things work here—this life is what has become familiar. I know what I need to do in my routine everyday, and I feel like I’ve learned how to function properly whether it’s going to the bazaar to bargain for my weekly fruits and vegetables or how to ward off daily lurkers/harassers. I know that when the gas is out it probably won’t be back on until 8 or 9 p.m. because someone is “working” on the pipes. I know how to avoid using the ATM around the end of the month because the locals will be crowding around collecting their salaries, oblivious to what the word “line” or “wait your turn” actually means. I know how to greet people on the street and that it’s custom for the woman of the house to give a two-handed-wet-grab-of my-face-and-kiss-on-both-cheeks multiple times welcome.

I also know how to refuse food. This is a tactic I feel most PCVs should learn early on so not as to eat their way through service (or mess even more with their digestive system.) I often go to visit my host family and other local families and I make a point of saying they don’t have to feed me every time—that I come just to see them and catch up, not because I’m hungry. I’ve discovered that if I go in the afternoon around 3 they are already finished with lunch and haven’t yet started on dinner. Sometimes I’m still offered food to which I reply “No, it’s not necessary, I’ve already eaten/I’m not hungry/ it’s not really time to eat/thanks but I’ll just have tea.”
Even if it is mealtime and I’m enjoying a special favorite the hostess always offers more and tells me to keep eating. This is where I’ve discovered the rule of three. One must refuse politely roughly three times for the “eat more” requests to stop. I say, “thank you, I’m quite full. It was very tasty.” Within the next few minutes I’ll probably be offered more again to which I’ll explain how I’ve already taken 3 servings and “it was so good! Thank you, I’m full.” Once more and I’m usually in the clear.

The rule of three doesn’t just apply to foreigners. I remember the day I witnessed Azeri’s doing this each other as well and I gained a bit more insight to how they each play this game. Whoever’s the hostess does it to the guest. After refusing enough times it ends but only sometimes after “But you’ve hardly eaten!”

One day I explained to my counterpart how different this would play out in America. I said that if she were to come visit and someone were to offer her some coffee/cake or other food and she refused thinking she was being polite (but really wanted some of said food) she most likely wouldn’t be offered again. She might end up being quite hungry during the visit.

I’m sometimes offered eggs or fruit or milk from my counterpart or student’s family when leaving their house. {These are some of the few individuals who actually get that I work without pay so they try to cut down on what I have to buy.} I always feel badly accepting such offerings right away but secretly I would love to have their fresh eggs instead of paying the 20 qepik per that the stores sell. And with the amount of fruit I consume I certainly save a pretty penny hauling home my counterpart’s fruit. I think I’ve found a balance of how to politely accept by saying “only if you have extra/enough.”

I notice that there is a bit distinction in different cultures about what is said and what is meant. Americans are much more likely to stick to their word and we don’t seem to usually offer up anything we’re not ready to back up or provide for. Azerbaijan culture? Not so much. It appears they want to seem polite or it’s their duty to say certain things, even if there isn’t much behind it. It’s not uncommon for someone to say they’ll help you with something and then not come through. This was rather frustrating in the beginning and I’ve learned to not take people’s words for it in many instances but this has also shown me who I can rely on.

Here’s an example: I was walking home from school today and was passing the main road where some men are working on re-tiling {unnecessarily in my opinion} the side of the wall. Another man was walking across on the opposite side of the road and yelled over to the workers saying hello and asking if he could give them any help. They surprising replied “Yes, come help.” To which the man responded, “Oh, I’m going to help the men in the park,” (they’re also doing unnecessary re-work there) and he continued on his walk. I laughed to myself. I don’t think he ever really intended to help the men, and the workers probably knew this as they so easily accepted his offer most likely because they knew he wasn’t serious. It was one of the first and only times I’ve witnessed such a blatant fake offer.

Whenever I’m collecting a package at the post office the men usually ask if I need help, even when it’s only several pounds, and I always refuse. I think they know by now that I will refuse since I have been for the duration of my stay but they maybe want to seem hospitable/manly/proper...? I wonder what would happen if I accepted.

Sometimes the rule of three works in other ways as well. If I ask sweetly three times for lower price for those bananas I can sometimes get a bargain. If I tell the students their homework three times maybe they’ll remember and actually do it. It usually takes at least three times to explain that “No, I don’t eat meat and no, I don’t eat chicken and yes, if it’s an animal it’s not on my dinner table.”

In a lot of ways, America is now foreign to me. A full 2 years have passed since I’ve been on U.S. soil and the way American culture progresses I may have just as well not been in the U.S. for a decade. With ipads/twitter/3D movies and this sad Jersey Shore craze I feel a tad behind the times. I haven’t even been in the U.S. since Obama has been in office. I wonder what things I’ll have to readapt to. I’m sure that showering daily and orderly lines will come back quickly. But I’m certainly not looking forward to paying a hefty amount for a pomegranate or fresh figs when I’m used to pulling them fresh from the tree and enjoying them immediately. I wonder what things will be unsuspectingly easy and what surprising things will be hard. Just as I didn’t know what to expect in coming to this mysterious land I guess there isn’t much I can really expect to understand coming back home.
I wonder if the rule of three applies to landing a job?