Pushing On

The winter here is rough for a variety of reasons but the past month has been quite trying.  With limited time left it’s easy to look back and feel like I haven’t been able to do as much as I’ve wanted to do.  I suppose it’s inevitable to have days where I questioned my time here, my efficacy.

When I find myself going to school only to see the teachers and students leaving early, yet again, I wonder if anyone is really serious about learning anything, and if I have any purpose here.

There seems to be excuses for everything: in the winter-it’s too cold, in the spring-it’s holiday season and kids only think of being outside, in the summer-it’s too hot, it’s too rainy, too many headaches, etc.  the list goes on.  There isn’t much in my town, there’s hardly any employment and it’s easy for people to feel hopeless.  The government ignores this part of the country so much so that while other regions are getting new organizations, more jobs and roads paved, we’re simply ignored.

Perhaps because I’m an American I need reassurance in times of despair.  It would be nice to hear occasionally that someone is “glad I’m here” or “the lesson was really helpful today” but Azeri culture isn’t as sensitive, touchy or emotional as what I’m used to.  When I’m having a bad day and feeling pretty down, no one around me really picks up on this or reaches out to ask what’s wrong.  They simply don’t talk about their emotions or give one another reassurance.  I suppose they are just thinking about something else.  It helps to talk with other PCVs to realize I’m not the only one feeling this way, but when so much alone it’s easy to question myself. 

Even though I’ve been here a year and a half I continue to learn about the differences between these cultures and I’ve realized that Americans are more vocal in expressing praise for good work while people here [the school system here at least] tends to only criticize.  I’ve instilled rewards for good work in lessons and always encourage students to try.  It wasn’t until recently that I realized I also needed some direct recognition to keep me motivated.  I’m not looking for adulation by any means, but feeling appreciated would help lift me up out of the ennui I’m feeling on a listless day.

The problem with this is that while they don’t tell me how they think or feel about me, they’ll most likely talk about me to one another after I leave. I may never know what they like or appreciate, and that’s a difficult thing.  A volunteer may never really know their effects of their service but a following volunteer may never hear the end of them.  I’ve heard a lot about the previous male volunteer since I moved here, and continue to be asked about him as if I knew him.  Since it’s a small town it’s not surprising that everyone knew who he was but everyone acts as if they knew him really well, says he came over to their house everyday, which I know is not true. (Said volunteer left early due to fraternizing behavior, though the locals may not be aware of this.)

Recently, I went with PC to interview another school for a future volunteer.  This was the school where the other volunteer was and the teachers there were strongly against having another male volunteer based on their impressions from the last one.  They asked if I could stay here and work at their school and kept saying they “wanted a volunteer like Sara.”  I attribute this praise to part of their culture—they don’t really open up their true personal opinions until a trust is built.  But sometimes this is frustrating because people most likely will say what they think you want to hear instead of what they really think/believe. My director may praise my work to my PC supervisor but he has never set foot inside my classroom.  So it’s hard to know when praise is really meant or simply said to follow the higher order protocol.  I’m glad I learned this cultural trend early on but it would feel more deserved if he actually wanted to learn about what I’ve done at school. 

I tell myself I do see some changes and progress, even if some days it’s more than others.  It’s taken me a year and half to get where I am and I’ve learned to depend a bit more on myself than I ever thought I could.  I’ve posted various quotes for inspiration and reread letters from home to remind me of why I’m here. So even if I don’t get the encouragement from the people around me at least I have some reminders and people at home to keep me pushing on.