After a year and seven months maybe I’ve made an impression. In such a little town with so little contact and information about the outside world, I’ve been a great wonder to the people here. You’d think that after awhile people might stop staring at me wherever I go and commenting on what I do but sadly, that’s not the case. I figure it’s because of the lack of entertainment or things to do around here.
A long time ago I lost count how many times I was asked, “You’re a vegetarian?! But what do you eat?” Then when being asked who I “stay” with (i.e. where do I live) and I reply “I live alone,” people would ask me, “aren’t you afraid?” and “how do you live alone?” (quite comfortably I’d think to myself. )
A long time ago I lost count how many times I was asked, “You’re a vegetarian?! But what do you eat?” Then when being asked who I “stay” with (i.e. where do I live) and I reply “I live alone,” people would ask me, “aren’t you afraid?” and “how do you live alone?” (quite comfortably I’d think to myself. )
One of the trickier questions is “aren’t your bored/don’t you miss?” Let me clarify: To be bored and to miss are the same verb in Azerbaijani. It takes some decoding to figure out which one they actually mean and how I should respond. When they ask if I “miss” they mostly mean “miss for” as in my family back home, to which I should certainly respond, “of course” and try to explain that it’s difficult to be far from them. If they’re asking if I’m bored then I have to say something along the lines of “no way, I’m so busy, there is always so much to do” which is usually the case as things here take so much longer to do (washing clothes, cooking meals, preparing activities for class, going anywhere since I have to walk, etc.) Most people don’t seem to understand when I say I’m busy. Why would I be? I am single and in comparison to Azerbaijani women I don’t have any children to care for, wash their clothes or cook their meals. And the only person I’m rushing to bring tea to on command is myself. But people seem to think I’m free at almost every moment of the day. When I explain that I plan my lessons every week and have to prepare things for class they probably think I’m all talk. Teachers here don’t plan any lessons, bring any worksheets, activities, books or games to school. They simply take one of the student’s text-book (thus leaving one student without one to follow along with) and read what is written.
I’ve also gotten a lot of on the spot invitations to “guest” an someone’s house for a meal. I politely reply since I know this is just their way of being hospitable. I also know that if I were to accept they would worry frantically about what to actually serve me since I don’t eat meat. I have to say that after some time most locals begin to see how easy I am as a guest because preparing vegetables is rather simple and, I might add, much cheaper. It’s just not traditional for them to serve a guest non-meat dishes.
Then people will ask me randomly, “Why haven’t you come to us?” As if I was supposed to know when to come without them telling me. (According to my father, that lesson in my mind-reading class is coming up soon.) I explain that I need an invitation: a day and time to come and I will gladly be there. I think this would be convenient for them as well, so they can figure out what non-meat dish to make. Then I try to explain that in America we set dates and times with invitations so that I can know (and not mind-read) about when they would like me to guest. Again, planning things in advance is just not part of tradition here.
This technique has actually had some effect. My counterpart completely understands this and when we plan to do something together she knows I need a day and time and I’ll be there. This week she asked me to go with her to visit a friend and we pulled out our calendars and schedules, found a convenient time and plan for an afternoon next week. She even steps in when explaining to other teachers who pull the “When will you come to us?” question at school. I know she also secretly advises them on a few meat-free dishes that I enjoy.
The unplannedness of guesting does cause a bit of a frantic state upon the hostess and I’ve seen this firsthand many times. When someone shows up to a house, unexpected, the woman is supposed to whip up a meal, usually multiple courses including salads, dolma or plov (national meat meals) serve tea, fruit and dessert. Of course there’s bread and there should be plenty of it. Recently I was at a student’s house for her birthday dinner, which I had been invited to beforehand. I offered to help with the preparations since I miss out on family holidays back home, when suddenly family members for another region showed up. It was shower day so that also caused a bit of hectic-ness because the family was taking turns in their weekly shower. The mother needed to tend to the guests, continue preparing the meal, all the while tracking down her 6-year-old son for their shower. In serving the guests tea, she of course needed an accompaniment and thus, had to cut the cake early and without song. The relatives were not even aware of the girl’s birthday, thus, never wishing her a “happy birthday.”
Usually during this “guesting” the hostess never even sits, talks with her guests and sometimes she doesn’t even eat with them. There have been times I’ve “guested” at a home never to actually see the woman who invited me, she was just rushing food in and out of the room. Since practically everything is compared to America when I’m around I’m usually asked “Do you have this in America?” or “How is (insert something here) done in America?” everything from foods, to weddings, to cars to electricity problems. The mother told me that she knew that this wasn’t how things were done in America because we need “invitations” and I tried to assure her that everything was wonderful and she was doing a great job. I also explained that in some cases you could even higher people to come to your house to cook meals and serve the food so you could enjoy your time with your guests. That’s a bit beyond their realm of scope though, but they usually enjoy hearing how something could be so out of the ordinary in other places.
Backing to living alone. My personal space and quiet time (mostly, when the neighbors aren’t blasting their television and letting the children run wild around the house) is my saving grace most days. Since I’m never really sure who’s watching exactly what I’m doing, inside my apartment is my one true safe space. I can do what I want, wear what I want (tank top!, shorts!) and eat/listen to/watch what I want. Still, I’ve been asked to move in with close local friends because people think I’m bored/miss when I’m alone. I don’t know how to explain that this aloneness keeps me balanced and it relaxes me. After being at school with screaming and running children I need some quiet time or I just might go mad.
My 2nd counterpart teacher and I were planning our lessons for the week recently and a revelation occurred. This woman has one of the toughest situations I’ve come across here. Her entire family (husband, son and daughter-both university students) all live in the capital, Baku, a good 4 hour bus ride away. Each week, besides teaching at school, she gives private lessons to students in the afternoon, as well as weekends and she—get this: cooks meals for the entire week for her family and SENDS TO BAKU. Can you imagine? When she told me this last year I was shocked. Could they not find something to cook for themselves there? They are, after all, in the capital of the country with bounds upon bounds of markets, shops and restaurants, yet she has to find time in her schedule each week to prepare their meals. I get exhausted just thinking about all her work. Not to mention the cleaning of clothes, going to the bank to collect paychecks, hospital and pharmacy for medicines and taking care of her mother-in-law who lives with her. This past week her mother-in-law had gone to stay with other relatives in the village and she has been alone in the house. I asked if she felt lonely, since she mentioned she was in the past, but this time her response surprised me: “No, when I am alone I feel myself calm.” She went on to say that when she heard that I had moved into my own house last year, she asked herself how could I live and wouldn’t I be lonely?, but now she understands. She can relax and do what she wants when she is alone. She enjoys the quite and peace. I was so exhilarated for her to finally have some time for herself. So few Azeri women get this chance and have such a difficult stressful role to fulfill, I rejoiced in this news. Then I thought to myself, someone finally gets me. Well, at least in that respect.
My 2nd counterpart teacher and I were planning our lessons for the week recently and a revelation occurred. This woman has one of the toughest situations I’ve come across here. Her entire family (husband, son and daughter-both university students) all live in the capital, Baku, a good 4 hour bus ride away. Each week, besides teaching at school, she gives private lessons to students in the afternoon, as well as weekends and she—get this: cooks meals for the entire week for her family and SENDS TO BAKU. Can you imagine? When she told me this last year I was shocked. Could they not find something to cook for themselves there? They are, after all, in the capital of the country with bounds upon bounds of markets, shops and restaurants, yet she has to find time in her schedule each week to prepare their meals. I get exhausted just thinking about all her work. Not to mention the cleaning of clothes, going to the bank to collect paychecks, hospital and pharmacy for medicines and taking care of her mother-in-law who lives with her. This past week her mother-in-law had gone to stay with other relatives in the village and she has been alone in the house. I asked if she felt lonely, since she mentioned she was in the past, but this time her response surprised me: “No, when I am alone I feel myself calm.” She went on to say that when she heard that I had moved into my own house last year, she asked herself how could I live and wouldn’t I be lonely?, but now she understands. She can relax and do what she wants when she is alone. She enjoys the quite and peace. I was so exhilarated for her to finally have some time for herself. So few Azeri women get this chance and have such a difficult stressful role to fulfill, I rejoiced in this news. Then I thought to myself, someone finally gets me. Well, at least in that respect.
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